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Literature Text
The sky is as dreary as it is grey. The dull monochrome brings back memories. Aching memories that still wound and twist cruelly even though years have flown by. I can't help but wonder, on a melancholic day like this, where rain patters gently against the stained windows. If you had never taken that first breath.. Would you have gone under so soon? If you had never taken that first breath.. Would I still be lying here today?
How pitiful! I look across the room at the white strokes painted mechanically onto the slab of wood. It is small, and it lies almost unnoticeable on a table. Is this what you wanted? No one remembers. Everyone is gone. And the only thing left is memories, which fade with startling speed.
Sadness can be addictive. It descends like a beloved friend, and envelops like cold fur. And addicted, so you were. Perhaps I should have tried harder to stop you. After all, what was a bruise or two? What were a few wounds to the heart, when it was burnt black and broken now?
I raise a hand, exhaustion shaking the skeletal limb to the bone. And I can't help but stare, in morbid fascination. It was a bland structure, dead skin stretched too tightly over a cracked frame. I look so much like you now, you know? Exactly as you did while flames swallowed you as you lay in the wooden casket. Exactly like your corpse, as it was burnt to unrepentant ash.
The paper lying on the bedside is what I take, the serene pureness of colour somehow mocking in its whiteness. So I take a pen, and drag it over the paper, in a crude attempt at words;
Sweet toxic, beloved miasma
Posing dryly as ambrosia
A drug that burns liquid fire
And spreads deadly through the winds
A sudden attack leaves me breathless. Gasping desperately for air, for the sweet breath of life. The irony curls my lips into a wry smile. It hurts. It burns.
My lungs no longer work the way they have to. My heart no longer beats the way it should. I can feel my dulled senses, and see my vision fade till everything is a blur. And I knew it had taken my eyes.
It was irreversible, the doctors had said. The illness was in its final stages. Was this what you wanted, when you told me you loved me? Was this what you had foreseen..? The piece of paper crumples in my shaking hands. Liar. It would never be finished, now. I lie back, waiting for death. And I wonder..
If you had never taken that first breath.. Would we still have reunited in the realm of the damned..?
How pitiful! I look across the room at the white strokes painted mechanically onto the slab of wood. It is small, and it lies almost unnoticeable on a table. Is this what you wanted? No one remembers. Everyone is gone. And the only thing left is memories, which fade with startling speed.
Sadness can be addictive. It descends like a beloved friend, and envelops like cold fur. And addicted, so you were. Perhaps I should have tried harder to stop you. After all, what was a bruise or two? What were a few wounds to the heart, when it was burnt black and broken now?
I raise a hand, exhaustion shaking the skeletal limb to the bone. And I can't help but stare, in morbid fascination. It was a bland structure, dead skin stretched too tightly over a cracked frame. I look so much like you now, you know? Exactly as you did while flames swallowed you as you lay in the wooden casket. Exactly like your corpse, as it was burnt to unrepentant ash.
The paper lying on the bedside is what I take, the serene pureness of colour somehow mocking in its whiteness. So I take a pen, and drag it over the paper, in a crude attempt at words;
Sweet toxic, beloved miasma
Posing dryly as ambrosia
A drug that burns liquid fire
And spreads deadly through the winds
A sudden attack leaves me breathless. Gasping desperately for air, for the sweet breath of life. The irony curls my lips into a wry smile. It hurts. It burns.
My lungs no longer work the way they have to. My heart no longer beats the way it should. I can feel my dulled senses, and see my vision fade till everything is a blur. And I knew it had taken my eyes.
It was irreversible, the doctors had said. The illness was in its final stages. Was this what you wanted, when you told me you loved me? Was this what you had foreseen..? The piece of paper crumples in my shaking hands. Liar. It would never be finished, now. I lie back, waiting for death. And I wonder..
If you had never taken that first breath.. Would we still have reunited in the realm of the damned..?
This is for 
's contest, Past and Present [link]
This is dedicated to my dad, actually.. >.<
And it's about.. Smoking ._. Because everytime he smokes, I can't help thinking if I'm going to be stuck in a hospital years later with lung cancer. Then I wonder if he'll ever feel guilty enough to stop.
's contest, Past and Present [link]This is dedicated to my dad, actually.. >.<
And it's about.. Smoking ._. Because everytime he smokes, I can't help thinking if I'm going to be stuck in a hospital years later with lung cancer. Then I wonder if he'll ever feel guilty enough to stop.
© 2013 - 2024 Klei-Brandybear
Comments2
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Hello! I'm a critiquer at 
, here to give you feedback on your submitted piece. Please bear in mind that all I say is my own opinion, and it won't hurt me at all if you don't take some or all of my advice. I hope I can help in some small way. Thank you for the opportunity to read your work. 
Let's begin:
Smoking. This is such a poignant issue, I feel the depth of your emotion. Well conveyed, well written.
I did notice that your sentences tend to be fragmented. Take your opening paragraph (my commentary is in parenthesis and italics):
The sky is as dreary as it is grey. (Good opening.) The dull monochrome brings back memories. Aching memories that still wound and twist cruelly (the word "cruelly" could be eliminated, as its already suggested with terms like "wound" and "twist") even though years have flown by. I can't help but wonder, on a melancholic day like this, where rain patters gently against the stained windows. (Fragment. This should blend with the next sentence.) If you had never taken that first breath.. (Double periods? Either choose one period or three.) Would you have gone under so soon? If you had never taken that first breath.. (The preceding and subsequent sentences here should be combined into one to make it flow better.) Would I still be lying here today?
--There's a lot of feeling, and some good, solid words. The questions are profound, but would be more so without the fragmenting.
The second paragraph is good, but a little vague: What are white strokes painted on wood? It takes a second to understand, and is therefore confusing.
Sadness can be addictive. It descends like a beloved friend, and envelops like cold fur. (This is lovely imagery, and a great couple of sentences. "Cold fur" is a unique description, but not bad.) And addicted, so you were. (This phrase works, but it's a little awkward. Consider rephrasing.) Perhaps I should have tried harder to stop you. After all, what was a bruise or two? What were a few wounds to the heart, when it was burnt black and broken now? (Profound, tragic imagery. I will say the past-tense format followed by the word "now" threw me for a moment, but it does work.)
I raise a hand, exhaustion shaking the skeletal limb to the bone. And I can't help but stare, in morbid fascination. It was (You switch from present- to past-tense here. Revise.) a bland structure, dead skin stretched too tightly over a cracked frame. I look so much like you now, you know? Exactly as you did while flames swallowed you as you lay in the wooden casket. Exactly like your corpse, as it was burnt to unrepentant ash. (These last sentences are perfect.)
The following paragraph and subsequent "verse" is also excellent. I have no suggestions on improvement.
A sudden attack leaves me breathless. Gasping desperately (Watch out for these tempting "ly"s, so often unnecessary. "Gasping" already provides the image of "desperation.") for air, for the sweet breath of life. The irony curls my lips into a wry smile. It hurts. It burns. (This entire emboldened bit is superb. The "smile" coupled with "hurts" and "burns" gives me chills. Well done!)
My lungs no longer work the way they have to. ("My lungs no longer work the way they should" would be more accurate. "Have" to conjures a feeling of working no matter what, which contradicts the point you're making here: the lungs aren't working right.) My heart no longer beats the way it should. I can feel my dulled senses, and see my vision fade till everything is a blur. And I knew it had taken my eyes. (Another case of switching from present-tense and past-tense.)
It was irreversible, the doctors had said. The illness was in its final stages. Was this what you wanted, when you told me you loved me? Was this what you had foreseen..? The piece of paper crumples in my shaking hands. Liar. (This is a great use of fragmenting. Keep this. It's profound.) It would never be finished, now. I lie back, waiting for death. And I wonder.. (Watch those fragments and the ".." punctuation again. Smooth this out. You can make oncoming death painful without being choppy.)
If you had never taken that first breath.. Would we still have reunited in the realm of the damned..? (Again, watch that punctuation. Use "...?" if you want to combine the two. Otherwise, this is a great way to end this poignant piece: with similar phrasing to how it began. Great work.)
This is well written. I hope what I've said can help you to make it even better. It's a good piece, with a lot of emotion in every line. The imagery is fantastic. Just revise the punctuation, fragmenting and "tense" changing and it will make it a bit more solid.
Thank you again for letting me read your beautiful piece. You're a good writer, keep going!
, here to give you feedback on your submitted piece. Please bear in mind that all I say is my own opinion, and it won't hurt me at all if you don't take some or all of my advice. I hope I can help in some small way. Thank you for the opportunity to read your work. Let's begin:
Smoking. This is such a poignant issue, I feel the depth of your emotion. Well conveyed, well written.
I did notice that your sentences tend to be fragmented. Take your opening paragraph (my commentary is in parenthesis and italics):
The sky is as dreary as it is grey. (Good opening.) The dull monochrome brings back memories. Aching memories that still wound and twist cruelly (the word "cruelly" could be eliminated, as its already suggested with terms like "wound" and "twist") even though years have flown by. I can't help but wonder, on a melancholic day like this, where rain patters gently against the stained windows. (Fragment. This should blend with the next sentence.) If you had never taken that first breath.. (Double periods? Either choose one period or three.) Would you have gone under so soon? If you had never taken that first breath.. (The preceding and subsequent sentences here should be combined into one to make it flow better.) Would I still be lying here today?--There's a lot of feeling, and some good, solid words. The questions are profound, but would be more so without the fragmenting.
The second paragraph is good, but a little vague: What are white strokes painted on wood? It takes a second to understand, and is therefore confusing. Sadness can be addictive. It descends like a beloved friend, and envelops like cold fur. (This is lovely imagery, and a great couple of sentences. "Cold fur" is a unique description, but not bad.) And addicted, so you were. (This phrase works, but it's a little awkward. Consider rephrasing.) Perhaps I should have tried harder to stop you. After all, what was a bruise or two? What were a few wounds to the heart, when it was burnt black and broken now? (Profound, tragic imagery. I will say the past-tense format followed by the word "now" threw me for a moment, but it does work.) I raise a hand, exhaustion shaking the skeletal limb to the bone. And I can't help but stare, in morbid fascination. It was (You switch from present- to past-tense here. Revise.) a bland structure, dead skin stretched too tightly over a cracked frame. I look so much like you now, you know? Exactly as you did while flames swallowed you as you lay in the wooden casket. Exactly like your corpse, as it was burnt to unrepentant ash. (These last sentences are perfect.) The following paragraph and subsequent "verse" is also excellent. I have no suggestions on improvement. A sudden attack leaves me breathless. Gasping desperately (Watch out for these tempting "ly"s, so often unnecessary. "Gasping" already provides the image of "desperation.") for air, for the sweet breath of life. The irony curls my lips into a wry smile. It hurts. It burns. (This entire emboldened bit is superb. The "smile" coupled with "hurts" and "burns" gives me chills. Well done!) My lungs no longer work the way they have to. ("My lungs no longer work the way they should" would be more accurate. "Have" to conjures a feeling of working no matter what, which contradicts the point you're making here: the lungs aren't working right.) My heart no longer beats the way it should. I can feel my dulled senses, and see my vision fade till everything is a blur. And I knew it had taken my eyes. (Another case of switching from present-tense and past-tense.) It was irreversible, the doctors had said. The illness was in its final stages. Was this what you wanted, when you told me you loved me? Was this what you had foreseen..? The piece of paper crumples in my shaking hands. Liar. (This is a great use of fragmenting. Keep this. It's profound.) It would never be finished, now. I lie back, waiting for death. And I wonder.. (Watch those fragments and the ".." punctuation again. Smooth this out. You can make oncoming death painful without being choppy.) If you had never taken that first breath.. Would we still have reunited in the realm of the damned..? (Again, watch that punctuation. Use "...?" if you want to combine the two. Otherwise, this is a great way to end this poignant piece: with similar phrasing to how it began. Great work.)This is well written. I hope what I've said can help you to make it even better. It's a good piece, with a lot of emotion in every line. The imagery is fantastic. Just revise the punctuation, fragmenting and "tense" changing and it will make it a bit more solid.
Thank you again for letting me read your beautiful piece. You're a good writer, keep going!